The winner of the Inker
If you and your best friend decide to get matching tattoos, don't go first. (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
2. the winner of "The Art of the Bonsai Potato": Even if the traffic reporter on the radio says "backup on the Beltway," it's best not to do it. (Russell Beland, Fairfax)
3. Ask questions -- don't answer them. -- H. Thomas, Washington (Kevin d'Eustachio, Beltsville)
4. A bank teller won't fall for "I come from the future where guns are invisible" when you try to rob her. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)
Passing fails : Honorable mentions
Slipping your finger in through the leg hole is not best way to check a diaper. (Andy Wolodkin, Frostburg, Md., a First Offender)
Don't hire plumbers to do wiring. -- R. Nixon (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church)
Don't pack last year's summer clothes and expect that they haven't shrunk in the past 12 months. (Beverley Sharp, Washington)
Besides love, you might need a bodyguard. -- J. Lennon, No Heaven (Randy Lee, Burke)
Bowling your age is apparently nothing to brag about. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
Never marry into a family who thinks your name is "Him."(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)
If you step on something while going down a staircase in the dark and begin to fall, well, it would have been better not to do that.(Andy Wolodkin)
Always take the deep breath before putting the blow gun to your lips. (Russell Beland)
Home repair Web sites suggest you put Cheerios in your toilet to show whether a clog has been cleared. They should have also said that undigested Cheerios are better for this. (Dion Black, Washington)
Dropping a bug into a bottle of liquor doesn't make it taste "just like tequila." (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
Dudes in a Liverpool pub tend not to agree that soccer players are a bunch of sissies who could never play real, American football. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
Priests don't think it's funny if you do a spit take at communion. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
The five-second rule does not apply to hypodermic needles. (Jon Graft, Centreville)
The first shot of water coming out of that hose that's been lying in the sun in all day will not cool down Mom. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
After eight hours of playing tennis, toss a coin. -- Nicolas Mahut, France (Edmund Conti, Raleigh, N.C.)
Don't get too attached to your horse. -- Catherine the Great (Beverley Sharp)
While duct tape will work for any job, it's not the first choice for birth control. (Russell Beland)
If you release doves at your wedding, cover the cake. (Beverley Sharp)
There are better Twitter names than CrazedSexPoodle. -- A. Gore(John Cogburn, Southlake, Tex.)
Before you drench the odd and shy new girl with a bucket of pig's blood, check the newspapers from the last town she lived in. (Stephen Dudzik)
If you want to get printed in a contest like this, you have to make sure that you stick to the rules and limit your entry to thirty words or. (Russell Beland)
And actual Fails They Learned From:
Dialing 1-800-724-2400 will result not in the message "Welcome to M&T Bank," but rather "Welcome to 1-888-FREESEX." (Katherine Stinson, Chevy Chase, a First Offender)
Do not tie your Christmas tree to the top of your car and go through the car wash. Although the deluxe hot wax does keep the needles on. (Ann Walker Smalley, Apple Valley, Minn., a First Offender)
During Easter services, if your child is playing connect-the-dots with the hymnal, resist the temptation to shout "No!" because the priest may have just asked, "Do you reject Satan?" (Jeff Contompasis)
Don't dye your hair while your toddlers are home with you, unless the color you're looking for is Cheetos. (Jennifer Fleming, Severna Park, a First Offender)
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